The reason I couldn't write a love poem by Miracle Ididi

The reason I couldn't write a love poem

was because I didn't know how.

I never mastered the art of

scribbling words that strike the right

cord of a heart to make it leap

in envy or in wish of finding such love.

No, actually, the reason I couldn't write

a love poem was because

I didn't like to. I didn't like that I

should sound too personal.

I didn't like that it was so easy to

pen down such heavy a word.

I didn't like that it made me think I could find love.

Okay, that isn't true. The real reason was

because it felt like blasphemy.

I thought one should have a degree

of knowledge of what love is about,

and I utterly was a clueless being.

I knew nothing of love; neither did love

know a thing of me.

Now that is half a lie. The poignant thing

about this world is love,

and it curses through the veins of

every living thing.

I knew by heart what love was,

but not by senses or expression.

Many a time I've confused it for something

different, and something different, so

it just didn't feel right to write.

No, that wasn't the case really.

I couldn't write it because I wasn't

in love and never was, and intended

to never be, because I believed it was

another way of confinement.

I didn't want another being to

be the reason for the transition

of my mood, that their actions be the

reason for my happiness or sadness.

I wanted to be free

in the best way possible.

Okay, the truth was I was my worst critic,

and each time I wrote, they either

sounded like a puppy sick love

or too stern or unrequited or

not good enough to be called a

love poem.

So there was always something wrong

to point at to make it end in the

trash.

No, actually, everyone seemed

to be writing about it,

and I never wanted to be among

the crowds.

I felt there was always something

better to write about.

I believed there were enough love poems

in the world to satisfy the whole

of humanity.

Okay, the real truth was that I was

afraid,

afraid to write about

something that could end,

afraid that I'll end up burning those

pages,

afraid they would turn out to be thorns

that stab my heart,

afraid that it would be about you

and that I would love it too much

and might hang it on my wall,

and that I might look at it so much

to picture you again and again.

Okay, the one that never could possibly

be a lie was that

I wanted to write about a love poem

without using the word love,

without using roses and sweets

to design my notes.

And also, I felt I never needed to

in such a manner.

I felt the best-written love poem

that I could ever write would

be about my mother,

and that the best romance I could

ever describe

would be the beauty of nature.

Okay, the reason was that everything

in the list were either half a truth or

the truth.

The reason was that I had too

much reason not to

or that I created reasons to keep

me from it,

and that I questioned everything

and I was good at playing the devil.

And when I had finally asked the

girl in the mirror why she wouldn't write

about it,

"I don't know, I don't know."

Her words endlessly echoed in my

head, or she never stopped

saying them.

That was the reason.

Miracle Ididi is a Nigerian writer who explores multiple genres with poetry being her major. She is a student, a therapist, a philosopher and on most days, she's just a girl.